if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize