I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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