the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
