So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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