my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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