Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
