FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
