Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize