Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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