So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
