Someone shit on the floor
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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