I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
where are you?
Hypothermia
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
