now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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