She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
