Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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