Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I have aggressive nipples.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
