ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
