Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
