I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
