I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
