we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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