I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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