Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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