The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
