How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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