sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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