I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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