ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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