he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
