The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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