I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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