I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
