we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
