It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
