And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
