Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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