i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
