I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
