He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
