do herpes really smell.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
