please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
As shirtless as possible
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
