Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
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