you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
