mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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