i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
