Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You are the jesus of drinking
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So here I am, sexting at work.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
