Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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