I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
