Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need to sanitize my soul.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
