the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
two words: eviction party
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize