Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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