it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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