Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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