Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
