I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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