someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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