I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
